Churchmania

Suicidal Sausages

2010-09-10T20:43:00.000-07:00

I sent these to Suicide Food about a month ago, but they haven't been posted and I really wanted to share them. If you live in Hamilton, NZ, you have probably seen these two. They have been gracing the corner of the Huttons and Kiwi Bacon factory in Frankton for years with their disturbing presence. They are sweating as they are fried alive. Their reaction "Way-hay!!!" thumbs up and and wink wink all round. It must be great to be a sausage.

1591 - The Year China Conquered the Moon

2008-10-19T18:29:00.000-07:00

Come on Gavin, you know you want to...

"According to one ancient legend, a Chinese official named Wan-Hoo attempted a flight to the moon using a large wicker chair to which were fastened 47 large rockets. Forty seven assistants, each armed with torches, rushed forward to light the fuses. In a moment there was a tremendous roar accompanied by billowing clouds of smoke. When the smoke cleared, the flying chair and Wan-Hu were gone."

(Illustration courtesy of United States Civil Air Patrol)

A Shop for Powerful Person

2008-06-17T18:34:00.000-07:00

It's not as much fun when you know the Chinese because then you sort of know what they're trying to do. I like the idea that powerful people go there to buy their golf things and satisfy all their monopoly needs. I also just noticed that it is a "Powerful Person Golf Thing Monopoly store" with a little "s" Oh joy...

Numpties

2008-05-29T08:43:00.000-07:00

Another one of the great New Zealand insults.

What a numpty!

A Pretender to the Throne?

2008-05-02T03:59:00.000-07:00

Ha! Someone other than that rather unmaniacal church youth group in Germany has used the name Churchmania. He has the .com for it as well, and it's a kingdom! I guess that's my seldom written blog shoved into the back alley though. He looks like a creative and interesting chap though, this blog won't be the top result on Google for Churchmania much longer.... unless I get off my arse and start writing something more interesting. Check him oot!

And the throne? There never was one. This page is an anarcho-syndicalist commune.

China's New President 中國的新總統

2008-04-04T18:31:00.000-07:00

Well, this news is a little late, owing to bandit-blockage of the internet. But with all the talk about Tibet people seem to have missed the big news. China has a new president, and his name is Ma Ying-jeou, nice name. 因爲大家在關心西藏和奧運，他們沒有注意到最重要的消息；中國有新總統。

The surname is 馬 Ma, meaning horse. That is stylish to begin with. Anyone remember Mr. Horse from the Ren and Stimpy Show?

The rest of the name 英九 Ying-jeou; 英 meaning "hero" and 九 meaning "nine". Yes, that's right...his name is "Horse Hero Nine" (see picture upper right).

Why do I say that he is the new president of China? Simple logic really...

我爲什麽說他是中國新總統呢？邏輯很簡單：

If Taiwan is really a part of China, then about ten million Chinese people voted for Ma Ying-jeou as the new president.

如果臺灣真的是中國的一部分，馬英九就是由一千萬左右的中國人選出來當總統。

How many Chinese voted for Hu Jintao? Certainly not more than a few hundred.
多少個中國人選了胡錦濤當國家主席，一定是幾百人以下吧。

So Ma Ying-jeou had the mandate of the Chinese people. Haha.

所以支持馬英九的中國人最多。哈哈

中華民國萬萬嵗！Long Live the Republic of China!

NZ China Friendship Society not a Communist Front, but...

2008-03-30T01:55:00.000-07:00

I have just noticed a few comments in some New Zealand blogs in defence of the New Zealand China Friendship Society which Trevor Louden had called a "communist front". Well, I don't think even the Communist Party of China is much of a "communist front" nowadays, at least economically.

However the New Zealand-China Friendship Society still pushes the line of the Chinese Communist Party on many issues especially the recent history of China, and the books they sell on their website do lionize Mao and the communist takeover of China which they routinely refer to as "liberation".

My main criticism of these China Friendship Societies (there are many scattered throughout the world) is that their functions are outdated. If you want to take a trip to China and make friends or do business with ordinary Chinese people it is very easy to do so without having anything to do with these organisations. The masquerade of these societies fostering "friendship between the people of New Zealand and the people of China" belongs to the same era as foreign exchange certificates and friendship stores. These were designed to keep foreigners at arm's length from the ordinary Chinese people in the street and make sure they were involved through official channels and that their knowledge of China and contact with Chinese people could be easily controlled.

Testing

2008-03-03T20:38:00.000-08:00

Does this still work?

Igpay Atinlay for Reedomfay of Peechsay!

2008-03-03T17:32:00.000-08:00

I Finally have access to Churchmania again! Thanks to http://www.iaminchina.com works much better than TOR too.
Unfortunately. no-one can read it without a bit of internet tweaking, so I thought I might start a Pig Latin blog here in China, in order to avoid those troublesome terms like Hinesecay Emocracyday, Ommunistcay Anditsbay, Aiwantay independenceay etc. that the CCP finds so offensive.

First View of the Mekon(g)

2008-01-30T19:42:00.000-08:00

A terrible joke, I know. I couldn't help making it, the education I received about world geography was so poor that I knew about this green alien for years before I had ever heard of the famous river. Actually the real Mekong is brown and sludgy, and the bus from Sipsong Panna follows it for some time.

I thought this road was windy and dangerous until I went to Laos. We saw one car hanging over the edge of the road above a cliff a bit further up.

I'm back!

2008-01-29T19:57:00.000-08:00

After six months of being BANNED IN COMMUNIST CHINA I've managed to circumvent the activities of the Chinese thought police, and normal service will be resumed forthwith.
Actually the ban was nothing personal, the humourless and hyper-sensitive mob of uneducated bandits that is the CCP blocks access to all Blogger/Blogspot sites. Just yesterday they banned access to Youtube too, and I couldn't watch Weird Al Yankovic music videos. That was the last straw.

新成语考一:管中窥豹

2007-10-28T18:56:00.000-07:00

桂篁隐士曰：昔贤之谓管中窥豹，可见一斑，未见全豹者，义乃物大而只见其小也，未曾亲见豹者以此斑为全豹，然见其斑而已，今神州上网者众，而赤贼所禁之页甚多，使其网上所得见者少，上网者之未曾见全网，何异与管中窥豹乎

Max Rebo Cake

2007-06-05T16:55:00.001-07:00

I was a big fan of the Rebo Band as a ten year old, even before they put all the new muppets in. What I wouldn't have given for a birthday cake like greatwhitesnark made. I personally challenge them to make a Sy Snootles cake now.

I'm sure they said Zippy......

2007-05-03T15:47:00.000-07:00

Popular Israeli foreign minister Zippy Livni states: "You've been a bad boy Ehud. I'm gonna get Bungle and George on yo' ass!!!!" (I'm assuming he's referring to George "tumbleweed-fer-brains" the cowboy, not George the effeminate pink hippo)

Gumbus

2007-04-27T23:57:00.000-07:00

In the 2002 survey of New Zealand children's playground language, the question "What do you call an unfashionable person" was answered in three instances with:

GUMBUS

Nong and Wong Part Four

2007-04-26T17:42:00.000-07:00

Oooooh...things are heating up!

A Trip to the Moon

2007-04-24T17:40:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favourite films, made by Georges Méliès in 1902. I've seen ne or two re-makes of it, one for a New Zealand insurance company and the other a music video for The Smashing Pumpkins.

There is another version out there in which the moon actually swallows the rocket and spits out a bright yellow flame. You can watch the black-and-white rocket -in-the-eye version here. If anyone has heard of the other version which has yellow colour tinting added, I'd be interested to know.

Nong and Wong Part Three

2007-04-21T19:10:00.000-07:00

蚯蚓英雄萬萬歲!
蚯蚓英雄萬萬歲!
May the hero worms live for ten thousand years!
May the hero worms live for ten thousand years!

Māori Phrase of the Week

2007-04-16T20:05:00.000-07:00

Aue!! Kua wareware ahau!

= Oh no! I forgot!

Aue!!! = Alas! Oh no!

Kua = particle of completed action
wareware = to forget
ahau = I, me

A very apt phrase for this week, because I forgot to write it last week.

The Fast Walker

2007-04-16T16:51:00.000-07:00

The fast walker doesn't have any internet coverage thus far, so I thought I'd give him his own mention. He was a part of Auckland folklore in the mid 1990's. What was so special about him? The name says it all. I one had a fleeting glimpse of him walking really really fast up one of those steep streets that run between queen street and Hobson Street. He wore sunglasses and his hair was greying, slightly balding (?) and unfashionably bobbed. He short sleeved shirt was tucked firmly into his grey trousers, which were pulled up a little to high around his waist for someone his age. He carried a black briefcase and his arms pumped up and down like a clockwork robot on speed.

He appeared in many different places at different times of the day and was gone before you could get a good look at him. I might try to draw a picture of him to scan and put on this page.
I was told that he had tutted loudly and disapprovingly at jay-walkers.

Why was he in such a hurry?
Was he a superhero in training?

Nong and Wong Part Two

2007-04-12T16:03:00.000-07:00

Next week you'll actually get to see the main characters!

Nong and Wong Part One

2007-04-09T17:19:00.000-07:00

It was a bit late this week because I had problems with the scanning...

I reckon he's from Kazakhstan

2007-04-07T20:00:00.000-07:00

I couldn't find a bigger picture, but I was walking past a camera shop yesterday and the words "My name-a Borat" came instantly to mind.

Meat Pie Pizza

2007-04-07T19:47:00.000-07:00

What had the marketing managers at Domino's been smoking when they came up with this? I had to download the picture because I'm sure that they meant it when they said "for a limited time". This one will linger on in the back of our minds when all traces of its existence have been destroyed, like the "Star Wars Holiday Special"

What I think about sometimes

2007-04-07T00:23:00.000-07:00

Don't ask me why I do it, but I really do think about these sort of things sometimes.

Māori Phrase of the Week

2007-04-05T19:52:00.000-07:00

Something easier this week...

Kei te haere koe ki hea?

Where are you going?

Kei te - put in front of verb, present continuous (is...ing) form
haere - to go
koe - you (same as last week)
ki - to a place
hea - where

The Easter Story

2007-04-05T18:17:00.000-07:00

I was sick of people saying that Easter is all about how Jesus died for our sins. they always like to point out that Easter Bunnies and chocolate eggs have nothing to do with Easter. Funny that the festival is actually named after a Pagan goddess who demanded human sacrifice. Why do they call it "Good Friday" too? What's so good about the founder of your religion being nailed up to a cross? How about "Sore Friday" or "Nail-up Friday"?

Anyway I wrote a poem called "The Easter Story" several years ago, to remind us all of the much-neglected importance of the Easter Bunny and chocolate eggs for Easter. I was going to illustrate it as a children's book. I never got around to doing it, so now I'm letting it rip in cyberspace.

The Easter Story

One day our Saviour Jesus was out Walking along when,
Some horrid bully Romans started hassling him again.
They said "You're not the son of God, we've had enough of you,
you come with us up yonder hill, we'll teach you a thing or two!"
They tied poor Jesus on to a cross and nailed him on real tight,
and Jesus said "What a stink way to spend a Friday night!"
The nails were really really sore and Jesus was feeling sad,
Then he remembered what to do and shouted out "Hey Dad!"
He cried and yelled to no avail, 'cause God was already in bed,
but a little bunny who lived nearby heard Jesus's cries instead.
He jumped up to Jesus's shoulder from the nails through Jesus's legs,
and gave our saviour fresh water to drink and fed him with hard-boiled eggs,
In the morning when God woke up he took Jesus up to the clouds,
and the bunny came too, and was given a prize, in front of and angelic crowd.
Said God "Since thou hast been such a generous bunny and relieved my poor son when in strife,
Here's a lifetimes supply of chocolate eggs, and I grant thee eternal life!"
So the bunny went back with his chocolate eggs and eternal life to the world,
and every easter he gives them out to every good boy and girl.

Chữ Nôm

2007-04-02T16:32:00.000-07:00

If you love the shapes and forms of Chinese characters, then you'll love Nôm, the Vietnamese demotic script based on Chinese, but mostly incomprehensible to a reader of Chinese. I like to think of them as Chinese Characters high betel-nut.

On the right are the first few lines of the Nôm poem Đại Nam Quốc Sử Diễn Ca "Song of the History of the Great Southern Land" (1870) written by Lê Ngô Cát.

Here is a sample sentence:
𠓀𠀧𢆥碎𦥃渃澳學㗂越
This stands for:
"Trước ba năm tôi ̣đến nước Úc học tiếng Việt",
meaning:
"Three years ago I came to Australia to study Vietnamese"

The characters, 澳, 學, and 越, make sense in Chinese and their meanings are the same ("Australia", "to study", and "Vietnam", however 碎 stands for "tôi" meaning "I" in Vietnamese, whereas in Chinese it means "smashed". The five characters 𠓀 Trước, "before", 𠀧 ba "three", 𢆥 năm "year", 𦥃 đến "arrive", 渃 nước "country", and㗂 tiếng "language" look strange to Chinese and Japanese.

You can even input Nôm characters into a text. First download and install the fonts Han Nom A and Han Nom B from vietfonts (it is FREE!) then go to "insert character" you will find a treasure trove of thousands of Nôm characters, all arranged by the 214 radicals of the K'ang Hsi Dictionary. The easy way to look these up is by their Vietnamese pronunciation with the Nôm Lookup Tool which will provide you with a unicode number which you can input into the box for "character code" this will take you directly to the character. Sometimes if the character already exists in Chinese and is not specific to Chữ Nôm, you'll have to find it in the Han Nom A set. This is a rather laborious process, and some of the characters marked with "V" on the lookup tool have yet to be given a Unicode number, but if you only have to put a few characters into a text, then it is no problem.
The Vietnamese Nôm Preservation Foundation are the kind providers of the lookup tool, and also have a little article about Nôm, however, their claim that a thousand years worth of Vietnamese texts are written in Nôm is stretching it a bit, as most of the early Vietnamese texts were written in Classical Chinese, not in Nôm. Omniglot has a nice little article about Nôm with some more examples of characters.

Giant Maggots in Ancient Vietnam

2007-04-01T15:34:00.000-07:00

I often come across this sort of thing in old Chinese books. There is plenty more where this came from.

The Sung Dynasty encyclopaedia T'ai p'ing yü lan, quotes the fourth century work Chiao chou chi 交州記 in chapter 860 under "Broth".

When T’ao Huang the governor of Chiu-chên was building the walls for the prefectural administration, in a hole in the earth he found a white thing shaped like a silkworm chrysalis which had no head, it was tens of chang (one chang = ten Chinese feet) long and tens of armspans around, and it squirmed. No one could name it, they cut open its belly and there was flesh like pig’s fat, so they made it into a broth and it was very tasty, Huang partook of a cup and his three forces of soldiers ate the whole thing up.

The original quote:

九真太守陶璜立郡築城於土穴中得一白色形似蠶蛹無頭長數十丈大餘圍軟軟動
莫能名剖腹有肉如猪肪遂以為臛羮甚香璜啖一杯三軍盡食 (TPYL chapter 860, 臛)

Nong and Wong

2007-03-29T15:56:00.000-07:00

This is the comic I've been working on for several years now. I'm going to scan and upload one page a week, and that should encourage me to finally finish the thing. Wong is the worm with two teeth - like a "W".

Nong and Wong One

2007-03-29T15:50:00.000-07:00

Māori phrase of the week

2007-03-28T00:23:00.000-07:00

Ko ēnei he kupu papai mō ngā tāngata e ako ana i te reo rangatira o Aotearoa.

Ko te rārangi kupu/The sentence:

Kia tere, kei patua koe!

Ko te whakamārama ki te reo Pākeha/Explanation in English:

Hurry up if you don't want a beating!

Kia: imperative particle
tere: quick
kei: a particle meaning lest, so you don't
patu: verb, to hit passive form patua
koe: you (singular)

Sam and the "stink of royalty"

2007-03-27T23:41:00.000-07:00

I want to know what happened to Sam Bracnikov. I'm not sure if I remember his surname correctly and the last time I found something on the internet about him was a few years ago. He was famous in NZ in the mid-1990's before the internet was so popular. I'm sure he'd be all over it now. In 1994 he was jumped on by security guards and arrested after he had tried to spray Prince Charles with air freshener to remove, as he put it "the stink of royalty". Being a fervent anti-royalist he had already thrown some dung at the king of Spain (correct me if I'm wrong), and was a regular anti-royal ranter to talkback radio. My favourite quote of his was when someone asked him why he couldn't just spray around Prince Charles, but had to lunge out at him. In his Dalmatian accent he answered "If you have a smelly toilet, do you spray AROUND de toilet? NO, you spray IN de toilet!" He used to speak in a long monologue which went something like this "..because dese peoples, dey don't have a brain in der heads, and vy are dey better dan odder peoples, just because dey were born into royalty....." and so on for ages. I was very pleased in my first year at Auckland University to see him demonstrating at Aotea Square, standing by a large, handwritten, misspelt sign covered with a very long rant very much the same as what I have just quoted.
They were going to lock him up when Prince Charles came the next time, but no! That wouldn't be fair. He had his rights to protest like everyone else. So they built him a little platform by the side of the road where he could stand and spray his air-freshener at the passing royal car. The news cameras were even there to capture the glorious moment.

I wonder where Sam is now?

The Great Leap Backwards

2007-03-26T18:44:00.000-07:00

Ahh, the fond memories. I saw it once one evening and thought I'd never see it again, but many details of it were etched into my mind. "The following is a party political broadcast from the McGillicuddy Serious Party" announced the stern voice, then the state-funded broadcast of the following fine animated feature

Great Leap Backwards

State-funding was given because so many people had voted for them at the previous election, so they were entitled to it, just like any other party.

Yerba Mate

2007-03-26T16:35:00.000-07:00

Is Paraguayan tea, drunk through a metal straw with a little filter spoon on the end. I had read about this in a book called "Forgotten Fatherland" a few years ago. This book was the story of Neues Deutschland (New Germany) a settlement of Germans in the jungles of Paraguay founded by Friedrich Nietzsche's sister Elisabeth and her fanatically anti-Semitic husband in the nineteenth century. Their descendants had taken up many local habits such as drinking this yerba mate all hours of the day. Many of them still speak some sort of nineteenth-century German. I had had a fantasy about sitting around on a Paraguayan porch drinking this tea, chatting away in nineteenth -century Chemnitz dialect and warming my belly in the Paraguayan sun. My office-mate Dane very kindly bought me a yerba-drinking kit all the way from Paraguay, so now in the comfort of my office in Canberra, even though it is not particularly warm today, I can enjoy part of that fantasy, and very nice the tea is too.

I reckon they could market it in New Zealand as "Yerba Mate" (a drink that you have with your mates) to some pakehas (that's Maori shorthand for "NZ white folks"), but when I first heard it, it sounded like "yerba death" in Maori.